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24
Well, it’s over. A really good, fun, exciting 11 hours led to ... ehhhh. Watching this hour was like sitting at a diner, eagerly awaiting a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, only to get dry toast and a side order of cranberries. But hey, let’s celebrate the good: lots of sniping, Chloe doing the eye-in-the-sky thing just like in the old days, Cheng vs. Jack, and Audrey’s dead! What’s not to like? Still, though... chocolate chip pancakes... mmmmm!

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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    Oh no! The script is running 1 minute short! What’ll we do? I know, let’s have that poor gal Zhou be pointlessly alive for another few seconds so we can waste time and see once again how ruthless Cheng is! Brilliant! OK, not only did Cheng know exactly where Audrey was going to be, but he also knows that the Russian Mustache died 2 minutes ago and so he’s able to send Jack the live sniper-cam feed. WHAAAT? And by the way – Live Sniper-Cam! How is this NOT its own Fox series?! Kate volunteers to be on Team Save Audrey, saying, “Jack, you’re under direct orders from the President to get Cheng and the override device.” Yeah, that’s a good point. Because if Jack DID defy the President, he’d become a pariah and an international nomad and... oh wait.
  • The President and his entire team of 40 people suddenly file into CIA London HQ. Good call -- it’ll offer added protection against a Chinese nuclear strike, since as we saw from the first episode, it’s a whopping 10 feet below street level.

  • A battered Chloe is found by two Brits driving by. Their Britishness is a key point: Had this scene taken place in America, she would’ve been mistaken for a zombie and shot dead.

  • Chloe calls Jack (because she always knows how to, no matter how many new phones he gets) and pleads with him to let her help him: “Jack, I know you don’t trust me. But I know you’ve always liked me, so PLEASE, hold me tight.” “WHAT did you say, Chloe?!” “I said, But Adrian lied to me so PLEASE, let me make this right.” “Oh.”

  • Kate arrives at Sniper Park. Fortunately, no one in England jogs, so no nighttime runners have stumbled across the dead bodies. She secretly calls Audrey and says, “I’m going to need you to draw the sniper’s fire. If this works, I’ll get a fix on his location. If it doesn’t, then Jack is mine. ALL MINE.”

  • Convenient Serbian Dude meets Jack and Chloe at the docks – and he’s brought more Big Guns! Cut to the Hart Household, where Judy asks, “Who is paying Convenient Serbian Dude?” Me: “Jack, of course! With loyalty.” P.S. I love that my wife called him “Convenient Serbian Dude.”

  • Uh oh, Cheng’s Sweaty Strike Force catches on to Chloe’s snooping! Chloe calls Kate: “Kate, you need to get Audrey out of there now! And keep your blonde mitts off my Jackipoo!” Kate’s elaborate plan turns into a crazy hail of bullets. Again, though, no British authorities pop up anywhere. What is this, “The Purge”?

  • Over at CIA-London-US-Command-Central, the Line of Death is about to be crossed between the U.S. and Chinese forces!

  • (On a side note, who would’ve believed that the most politically prescient movie of the past 25 years would be “Robocop”?)

  • Kate calls up Jack. “Audrey is safe.” “Thank God.” WHOOPS, there’s a second shooter! Holy JFK, Batman! Audrey is killed! Huzzah...uh, I mean, awwww. Kate hits redial. “So, um, Jack...”

  • There’s a terrific sequence after Kate breaks the grim news to Jack. He slumps to the floor, the quintessential portrait of a man who has lost everything. He lowers his rifle and pulls out his handgun... then he hears the Sweaty Strike Force closing in, and Jack snaps out his suicidal reverie and goes Full Death Wish in a way we haven’t seen since his crazy attack near the end of Day 1. Great stuff from Kiefer.

  • Finally, Cheng vs. Jack, mano a mano! That, at least, does not disappoint. Jack wins, and gets Cheng on TV just long enough for the facial recognition to kick in, and then – off with his head! Jack was lucky to find a Japanese katana hanging up on the wall of a Russian freighter carrying Chinese terrorists. I mean, what are the odds?

  • But where is Chloe? Oh ho, a mystery caller! I wonder who it is. It must be a big surprise. It can’t possibly be the Russians, who’ve been targeting Jack all day, right?

  • For the first time in “24” history – a time jump! We leap ahead 12 hours, so in a way, we do get our 24 hours! Angryglare is under arrest and about to be shipped to the Oz penitentiary, Kate leaves behind her gun and her badge – SHE-JACK! – and even Prime Minister Stephen Fry reappears as we watch Audrey’s coffin loaded onto Air Force One.

  • A stellar moment for William Devane here as the majestic, sad “24” finale music plays and he gives what is the most terrifying description of the effects of Alzheimer’s disease I’ve ever heard. Wow.

  • It ends with – yep, Russians. Jack trades himself for Chloe, and he hops in a helicopter for transport to Moscow. Very anticlimactic.

  • You know, unlike the series finale in the disappointing Day 8, this would have been the perfect, most suitable time to kill off Jack. What did you think? Will Chloe indeed check in on Jack’s family and say hello to the cougar cubs?



Thanks again for coming on the “24” ride this season! If there is another series of Bauer exploits, these recaps will return. Until then, I’m planning to shift the commentary over to BBC America’s excellent “Orphan Black,” which is every bit as deliciously nutty and warped as “24.” It just finished its second season, though, so you’ve got plenty of time to catch up before the third season begins next spring. Really, check it out. So long.

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24
Here we are: the penultimate hour of Day 9! Set in Britain, it has everything: Americans, Russians, Chinese, everybody... except British people! Seriously, where were they? You've got firefights in the streets for minutes and ... what? No British SAS? Police? Sherlock? Dangermouse? Zilch.

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • In the Bizarre Baker’s Dozen of Military Advisors Who Inexplicably Came to London with the President, everyone puts on their grimmest face as Admiral Toupee delivers the bad news.

  • In my house, Judy says, “Why is Audrey always in these meetings? Is she in a Cabinet position? Is she military?” Ummm, nah.

  • Cheng glimpses Jack on the security camera footage and feels his throat wattle shrink. “Sweaty Strike Team, time to move out!” Oh damn, looks like he stopped Chloe from being sneaky....

  • ...Or DID he? In the 3 seconds that she held the unfamiliar cell phone, Chloe managed to blindly navigate its apps and find a Record button that she pressed without anyone knowing! Wow!

  • Soon, everyone in the cast knows that Cheng is alive – and in possession of the override gizmo. Prez Heller is incredulous at first: “That’s impossible, Jack! Cheng died off-camera three years ago!” Jack: “With all due respect, Mr. President, three years ago Shia Lebouf was an up-and-coming Hollywood star. Now look at him! Believe me, anything is possible.”

  • Wait a second – the RUSSIANS are paying Cheng?! Darn that Putin! Jack needs to Greco-Roman that guy!

  • In the car, Jack and Kate connect Mark Angryglare to the Russian hit team – which, c’mon, seemed completely unconnected to the main storyline – but then they also somehow realize that, hey, the Russians are behind the whole thing. OK, that is true, but how did Jack and Kate figure that out? It’s like turning on Fox and randomly finding talent.

  • Angryglare checks to make sure that Audrey is OK after the Cheng news. “I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right.” Mark: “I didn't ask for a Matthew McConaughey impersonation....” Audrey: “Mark! Please just let me do my job!” I’m sorry, Audrey, but that job IS...?

  • Jack calls Audrey and hints that “some bad things are going to happen. You might get put on another short-lived TV show when this is over. Maybe with Jim Belushi. I don't have a say in it. I just don't want you to hate me.” Audrey: “Jack, I could never hate you. I never have. Schmoopie.” Jack twitches. Kate thinks, “Jack is one emotionally damaged nutjob – just how I like ‘em. Ohhh yeah. Come to Mama.”

  • China’s president is understandably really mad that the U.S. has torpedoed its aircraft carrier and broken the rules of Battleship. He immediately unfriends Heller on Facebook.

  • Oh yeah, he also mobilizes a strike force that’s heading toward the U.S. base on Okinawa. Yikes. Things are getting dicey.

  • Jack forces Angryglare to confess to the Prez that he forged Heller’s signature, sent the Russians after Jack, and hijacked the Presidential iPad to download Mad Men. “I’m sorry, Mr. President, but when Don Draper told Joan that....” Heller: “’Sorry’?!?! You're working for the Russians and deleted my episodes of Game of Thrones and you say you're SORRY?!”

  • Worth it just to hear Jack say to Mark, “You idiot!”

  • In classic Jack fashion, though, Jack wants to use Mark to set up a meeting with the Russian Mustache. Uh huh. What are the odds of Mark making it through the next 90 minutes? 50 to 1?

  • Meanwhile, in the Sweaty Strike Team Mystery Machine, Chloe spots a conveniently placed metal pipe and awesomely clobbers several guys before leaping out of the van! You go, Chloe!

  • However, in the darkness, the Sweaty Strike Team can’t find the unconscious Chloe because of her all-black, Winter Soldier-style clothing. Goth fashion for the win!

  • Oops, China fired missiles and blew up two U.S. surveillance satellites. Damn, who knew this episode of “24” was a prequel to “Gravity”? Crossing fingers for a Sandra Bullock surprise appearance next week.

  • Outside the Russian Mustache’s home, Jack and Kate wait for the hapless fill-in guy to hack the security system. Inside, Angryglare plays for time by offering his secrets: “Think of the intelligence briefings I've attended. And don't forget I was Jennifer Aniston’s boyfriend once. I can tell you things -- things not even Access Hollywood knows!” “Go on....”

  • FIGHT! Mustache and Angryglare go at it! Angryglare gets a head butt, Mustaches gets a punctured jugular. Quick, let’s get a shot of the little squirting thing with the fake blood... there we go!

  • Jack tries to save Mustache’s life by ordering Kate to get a towel. Yeah, that'll work. Why don't you pull out another Band-Aid while you're at it, Jack? Mustache dies. “SUNAVABEYOTCH!”

  • Oh no, Audrey is trapped by a sniper under orders from Cheng, who should have absolutely no idea where Audrey is. OHHH, Cheng, if you were worried about Jack before.... Don't you mess with Ex-Coma Girl!

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24
At a certain moment during this episode, my head exploded with giddy delight. If you’re a longtime “24” viewer and veteran recap reader, you know the moment I mean! Things ratcheted up BIG TIME in this episode, more than I expected, with a global and political clusterf--, err, messy soufflé around the corner. Or, since we’re in England, maybe that should be a messy Shepherd’s Pie. Mmmmm.... Shepherd’s Pie.... ahhghhgllll....!

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:
 
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  • Adrian spills the beans to Goth Chloe Darkmistress that the override device was his creation all along! He wants to use it to create a better world, “a world you would’ve wanted for Morris and Prescott.” OOOH, low blow, dude... reminding Chloe that she named her son Prescott.

  • Navarrro runs across the packed streets of London at ... wait, where the HELL is everybody?! C’mon, London is one of the biggest-- oh look, a half-dozen extras! Boy, those helicopter scenes really drained the budget, didn’t they?

  • Over the phone, Adrian tells Navarro, “Enter Liverpool Street Station. Go to Platform Nine & Three-Quarters, drop off the device, then hop on the train to Hogwarts.”

  • Adrian betrays Navarro: The train to Hogwarts was yesterday! D’oh! He must be Slytherin.

  • Back at CIA HQ with Kate. Eric addresses the shaken staff: “Station Chief Weasel Boy Navarro has been taken into custody, and believe me, it’s totally OK for CIA agents to arrest people on foreign soil. Really. I’ll be issuing protocols and responsibilities shortly, as if you didn’t already have jobs. Thanks.”

  • Eric tells Jack, “Navarro is going to be sent to the Ministry of Magic for ‘enhanced interrogation.’” Jack gives him The Look: “Please, Dementors are wusses. Let ME talk to him.”

  • Wait, Kate’s not-really-a-traitor ex-husband is dead?! Huh. It seems like that bit of info was added on. Well, at least it sets things up for Kate and Jack! C’mon, you know it’ll happen! Audrey? Audrey who?

  • Oh geez, Gratuitously Topless Navarro pulls out the classic, groan-worthy demand of ALL captured “24” henchmen: “I want full immunity, signed by the President. And a pony.” Jack tries to break Navarro – and he’ll start small by breaking his hand! Ouch!

  • Angryglare accuses Audrey of still having feelings for Jack. Audrey defends herself: “I made a commitment to this marriage. Signed in triplicate. It’s a 10-year deal, with an option after Year 5 for additional love benefits. Can’t you see how emotionally attached I am?”

  • Jack and Kate team up to threaten some doctors, yell really loudly, and scare vital info out of Navarro. Go, SHE-JACK!

  • After Angryglare sells out Jack, Prez Heller tells him, “Jack is leading the mission to retrieve the override device. I hope he succeeds! It would be a shame if a Russian hit team popped out of nowhere to kill him.” Angryglare realizes he needs more fiber in his diet.

  • Jack and Kate commiserate about grief, guilt, and rage. These two have SO much in common! eHarmony, take note!

  • Can you imagine the conversations if they DID hook up? “How was your day, Jack?” “I went into a dark place that cost me everything I ever cared about. You?” “Fine. I’ve learned to close myself off from all the emotional torment I’ve caused. Tuna casserole OK for dinner?”

  • Oh no, Adrian’s entire hacker team has been murdered by – by – CHENG! And his Sweaty Strike Team!!! OH MY GOD. What a delicious surprise. We haven’t really seen him and the Sweaty Strike Team in full force since the craptastic Season 6.

  • Farewell, Adrian Cross! Thanks a heap for telling Chloe lies about her family’s death and turning her into Siouxsie Sioux. Wanker.

  • Oh man, Cheng tricks a U.S. submarine into blowing up a Chinese aircraft carrier. International crisis! And by using only TWO torpedoes, not five? That’s a clear violation of “Battleship” rules! Cheng, you fiend!

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24
Best episode of the season, for reasons that I’m gleefully unashamed of. Big surprises, excellent deaths, and Jack with a joystick. And can you believe that this is already Hour 9 of a 12-hour event? Crazy! Fortunately, there’s still plenty of time for Jack and She-Jack to mess with the space-time continuum and wreck nations.

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • Welcome to Wembley Crater, where BBC crews manage to be on the scene just seconds after the explosion!

  • PM Stephen Fry tells Audrey, “Your father’s sacrifice will never be forgotten by the British people.”. His aide wonders whether that'll hold true if Mummy doesn't honor her pledge to destroy the drones. “Well,” he says, “in that case, Heller will be as forgotten as Chumbawamba!”

  • Mummy actually honors her pledge, and the drones start dropping faster than last fall’s NBC sitcoms.

  • Surprise #1: Ian doesn't betray Mummy!

  • Surprise #2: Heller’s not dead?!? Whoaaa! Good one! Completely fooled. Wow, great work by Jack & Chloe in hacking the drone’s video feed and setting up the loop in just 5 seconds!

  • Jack tells Convenient Serbian Dude to keep Prez Heller safe. Heller then tries to browbeat his new chauffeur by giving him an “order” as President of the United States. The terrific reply: “I am Convenient Serbian Dude. I’m not an American citizen, and this is not America.” Thank you for pointing that out, CSD. Heller seems to forget that. To be fair, he forgets lots of things....

  • On the conference call, Audrey says, “Jack...? Thank you. I’m staring lustily at the phone right now.” Commence Furious Blinking! “You’re welcome.” Chief of Staff Mark Angryglare shoots an angry glare!

  • With Chloe’s help – and Adrian’s – they're able to find Mummy’s new base of operations in the London DoubleTree. Mummy likes DoubleTree because they give you warm cookies when you check in.

  • Kate and Eric, driving through the panic-stricken and oddly deserted streets of London, manage to arrive at the location before Jack, even though he had a head start and is in a freakin’ helicopter.

  • Did Jack decide to drop by Stonehenge or something?

  • Though Ian doesn't betray Mummy, she does pull a gun on him when he tries to leave -- and then they have this icky, pseudo-incestuous moment. Ew.

  • Yes, we all go “Ew” at that, and we all laugh maniacally when Jack yanks Ian through the window and watches him hit the ground like a strawberry pancake. Or maybe that’s just me? Moving on....

  • Jack sends the last missile into the Thames and handcuffs Mummy. Crisis #1 averted! Mummy spits, “All the deaths tonight are on your head!” Jack growls, “The only death on my head tonight is YOURS.” Whoosh! Out the window! Awesome!

  • Yep, best episode of the season.

  • But now it’s time for Crisis #2 – and Jordan is found dead. Awww! Weasel Boy Navarro immediately goes into panic mode when he realizes that the second dead guy will be linked to him. Jack wants Chloe to look up Dead Guy’s fingerprints, but she reluctantly says, “It’s not my problem anymore. It was good to see you, Jack. Now I have to go touch up my indestructible, self-repairing Goth makeup and run off with the treacherous Adrian Cross. Smoochies!”

  • Jack tells Kate, “I'll have my old CIA pal do it. I’ve never mentioned him before, but I'm sure he'll help out an international fugitive like me.”

  • Weasel Boy Navarro does the Sleeper Hold on a tech schmuck and runs off with the override device just as Jack learns the truth. The chase is on through the still oddly deserted streets of London!

  • Hey, remember back in Week 1 when I said that Adrian is “played by Michael Wincott, who was the top evil henchman in EVERY SINGLE ‘90s ACTION FILM”? Oh my god, he’s still playing the top evil henchman! I should have guessed. DAMMIT!

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24
Hey, this was the 200th episode of "24." Wow. That's a big number! You should commemorate it with something huge, something spectacular, like Weasel Boy Navarro pulling off his face, Mission Impossible style, to reveal... Tony Almaeda! C'mon, that'd be cool! I mean, it's not like "24" would rely on something it's done before, right, like ... um, I dunno... kill a President or something. They've soooooo done THAT!

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • Simone is wheeled into the crack CIA medical bay. I don't want to say her chances of survival are slim, but the vitals monitor is showing last night's Game of Thrones.

  • Weasel Boy Navarro tells the doctor, "Drill a hole in her head, then wake her up!" Who's his medical advisor, Sarah Palin?

  • As the remaining members of the Murder Family depart the House of Nine Fingers, Mummy tells Ian that she'll honor her word to Prez Heller and destroy the remaining drones once Heller is dead. "I may be a psychotic, cold, seriously deranged sociopath and terrorist, but I keep my word!" So, she's not ALL bad.

  • Setting the 60-minute timer to Ian's betrayal of Mummy ... now.

  • Kate briefs Jack by phone on the situation with Simone. She says the doctor won't risk reviving Simone. Jack: "We're running out of time! Kate, you need to PUSH the doctor. Nudge nudge be like me wink wink. Embrace the Dark Side. It IS your destiny!"

  • Jordan staggers away from the confused Would-Be Assassin Dude, pausing just long enough to glance at the audience and say, "Hey, notice how I look just like Orlando Bloom when I'm wet?"

  • Prez Heller tells Jack about his decision to surrender himself to Mummy. Jack is unable to dissuade the Prez, despite a devastating volley of Furious Blinking.

  • Jack says, "Mr. President, in order for me to sneak you out of the building, you need to trust one more person, for plot reasons." Gee, wonder if he'll pick Mark?

  • Regarding Simone, Jack again tells Kate, "You need to PUSH the doctor. Wake that beyotch up, girlfriend!" So Kate marches into the operating room and pulls a gun on the surgeon. SHE-JACK!

  • Cut to the scene at the Hart Household. Judy: "What's with the 'waking stuff up' nonsense?! How can they do that?" Me: "Come on, they have SUPER drugs!" Judy: "Oh puhleeze. Have they drilled a hole in her brain yet?"

  • Jack tells Angryglare what he needs to successfully sneak out Heller: "I need the Secret Service assignments and patrols. The British ones, too. Also, a car and a helicopter standing by. And two tickets for a Jamaican cruise for me and Audrey when this is all over." Mark: "Uh huh, uh huh, wait... what?" Jack: "Don't question me, dammit! You heard the President!"

  • Jack then cuts a freakin' transponder out of Heller's arm - a crazy act that hasn't been on TV since Kirk and Spock got busy on the Nazi Planet. Hide the children.

  • Jack severs a couple of arteries and leaves blood gushing all over Heller's desk, but no need for alarm! He's got a Band-Aid.

  • A Band-Aid.

  • Well, Heller is going to be dead in ten minutes anyway. What's a little blood loss?

  • Jack lands the Presidential Helicopter of Secrecy at an eerily empty Wembley Stadium. There were supposed to be people in it, but the helicopter scene used up this week's budget for extras.

  • Chloe quickly works through the encoded gobblegook while dodging drunk guys at a bar. Jack tries to stall, but it's the President who says, "Jack, we're out of time." What?!

  • Heller pays the ultimate price for stealing Jack's line on Kiefer Sutherland's show.

  • Still, he blowed up real good! What's the head count for Presidents failing to finish out their term on "24"? Five?

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24
Not much plot in this one, but LOTS of wild movement. Strap yourself in and make sure your local hospital has updated its Drone Evacuation Protocols. You never know!

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • Those ambulances got there fast! Wow, nationalized healthcare DOES work!

  • Kate cleans up well, post-torture. SHE-JACK!

  • The Prez tells Jack by phone he’ll make sure that Simone is protected in the hospital. Rather cocky claim, dude, considering that it’s not your country!

  • After Mummy learns that Simone is going to the hospital, she asks her son, “Do we have anyone so bloody incompetent and stupid that we left him behind in the city we’re planning to blow up in two hours?” Ian says, “Yes, Mummy... there’s Kareem! He’s an complete wanker!” “SEND HIM.”

  • Jordan, the gender-bended Chloe of the CIA, goes against Weasel Boy/Moley Mole Navarro’s instructions and starts retrieving the plot complication. Navarro gets tipped to this by his mysterious boss – who is Adrian Cross! Adrian says Jordan must be stopped, or Navarro’s meticulous frame job of Kate’s ex-husband will be exposed. Navarro tries to weasel out of doing bad stuff himself, because that’s his way: “Can you send a cleaner?” Adrian: “I’m just the middleman.” Navarro: “No, seriously... can you send a cleaner? This place is a mess. Do you know how much Windex we use on these walls every day?”

  • While Jack strongarms the doctor into reviving Simone, Kate talks to the newly orphaned child (and future Batgirl), Jasmine, who speaks up pretty easily for someone who’s “in shock.” And hey, wasn’t that guy who was with her earlier supposed to be her dad? Where is he now? Did he have too many lines of dialogue? That cuts into the budget, you know.

  • Kate, who is probably only 30 feet from Jack, nevertheless calls him and tells him everything Jasmine said, which is really just a lame excuse so that Wanker Kareem can overhear the whole thing. He repeats the news of Simone’s almost-betrayal to Mummy, who angrily tells Ian, “Drone her! Drone her now!”

  • I’m going to recommend that option for all family squabbles. “Mike didn’t call on your birthday.” “Drone him.”

  • Navarro summons Jordan to go outside (!) and retrieve a secret package. Jordan says, “You’re sending me into the field? I’m as happy as a little girl!” Navarro: “You deserve it. Now go pick up the package. It’s on a ship called Imminent Betrayal.” “Got it!”

  • Jack interrogates Simone and puts pressure on the amputated pinky! Jack meets Kate in the hallway and ... apologizes for doing that?! WHAAAT?! Jack Bauer might apologize for being a lousy father, but apologize for squeezing the raw finger-stump of a critically injured woman? Never!

  • Kareem is spotted by Jack and shot by the Brits. “DAMMIT!” He and Kate find his phone, which has a text message from Mummy. “Drone is on the way. You have 8 minutes. Actually, you only have 5 minutes because Ian tells me you’re a complete wanker.”

  • Evacuate the hospital! Jack grabs Simone and flees with Kate just as the first drone missile strikes the hospital!

  • Now we get into a honestly damn cool sequence that plays out like something from the Bourne movies, as Ian and Mummy track Jack’s speeding car on the drone’s camera and try to blow him up with more missiles! It’s insane, tense, ridiculous, and awesome.

  • Jordan steps onboard the Imminent Betrayal and is promptly shot. I didn’t see THAT coming! Fortunately, the boat is moored to the Pier of Convenient Escape.

  • Chief of Staff Angryglare secretly meets the Russian Mustache, who knows the truth about the extradition order. Angryglare tells Mustache, “Once Bauer serves his purpose, everyone gets what they want.” A new car?

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24
Wait a second, I just realized we’ve seen the most unbelievable thing in “24” history. OK, we’ve had passenger planes making emergency landings on LA highways, we’ve seen Jack go completely across Manhattan in less than 10 minutes – in daylight – but now we’ve gotten through the 3:00 hour in England and nobody broke for tea? DAMN. I’ve been to England. Things stopat tea time. Even babies aren’t born then. Or if they are, they’re served with scones.

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • In the wake of the Drone Death Trap, British PM Stephen Fry demands that Prez Heller give him all the drones’ codes and his guarantee that U.S. television will stop making inferior versions of British TV shows.

  • Later, upon hearing of the Prez’s Alzheimer’s condition, the Brit PM says, “You mean I'm counting on a man who hasn't gotten his wits about him?! God help us. We could soon end up with an American version of the superb ‘Broadchurch’!” Yeah, sorry about that.

  • The Prez orders Injured-But-Not-Dead-Yet Weasel Boy Navarro to give Jack everything he needs for Operation Plot Complication: “Whatever Jacky wants / Jacky gets / And little man, little Jacky wants Kate!”

  • What, nobody knows musicals?

  • These drones were flying over Afghanistan or other dangerous areas, right? And now they're over England and will zoom around quietly for another three hours until the deadline, right? That’s about 3,500 miles. And they're still in the air. What do these aircraft use for fuel? Pixie dust?

  • Over at the House of Nine Fingers, Mummy discovers that, uh oh, Navid’s sister left voicemail on his phone! Apparently she wasn't dissuaded by his answering message: “Hi, this is Navid. I can't come to the phone right now because I've been shot in the head by my mother-in-law. Please sell my story to Jerry Springer. Or if you wait for the beep and leave a message, my lovely wife will come over and kill you. Thanks!”

  • Chief of Staff Mark Angryglare has to back away from his awkward questioning of his own wife (“Why, Audrey, why did you do that show ‘Lipstick Jungle’ after ‘24’? Didn’t anyone realize that a PG version of Sex and the City would bomb?!”) in order to take a call from the Russian Embassy. They want to know when they can use their Pick Up Jack Bauer groupon! D’oh! Mark tries a tricky phone dance to avoid saying that he forged the Prez’s signature on the extradition order. The Russian Guy is not fooled: “No, Comrade Angryglare, I do not believe that your dog ate the President’s extradition order.”

  • Jack tells Kate, “Well, YES, I was working for evil arms dealer Rask, but only so that I could stop his human trafficking, drug dealing, and texting while driving. I had to do it!”

  • Over at CTU, uh, the CIA London office, Jordan the data nerd tells Weasel Boy Navarro, “I've spotted weird plot holes in this meaningless data about Kate’s traitorous ex-husband. What do you think?” Weasel Boy: “Um, ignore it, I'm sure there’s nothing suspicious at all about it. Excuse me, I have to use the Mole bathroom.” I told you there was a Mole bathroom!

  • Jack’s brilliant plan to drug Kate and leave her to the tender mercies of the Rask Goon Squad ends up – shockingly – not going according to plan! Kate wakes up and gets strung up in a very uncomfortable position where she is tortured by this guy.

  • Freaky weird voice he had. Like a cross between Michael Fassbender and Tattoo.

  • Anyway, all is saved by the untimely arrival of the Brits’ MI:5 team that’s been tailing Jack. God save the Queen! OH WAIT, they nearly all got killed. Bugger.

  • Kate leg-strangles and stabs Evil Toddler Gangster while she’s still chained to the ceiling. SHE-JACK!

  • Simone, under orders by Mummy to kill Navid’s sister, decides not to do it, but then she does it kinda-sorta-accidentally right in front of – bonus points – the woman’s daughter. Congratulations, kid, your parent has just been murdered before your eyes. Go get yourself a Batcave! Auntie Simone will help you, right after she catches this bus!

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24
Wow, I turn on "24" a minute early and right away I see Jack yelling and shouting at... oh wait, that's not Jack, it's Gordon Ramsay frothing at the mouth on "MasterChef." Huh, when the veins on their foreheads pop out and the spittle flies, he and Kiefer look amazingly alike. And why isn't "MasterChef" two words? Is it sponsored by MasterCard? But I digress.

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • When it looks like Marine Bully about to search Kate for the flight key, Jack distracts him by yelling at another Marine who complained about the "one season" of "Touch": "IT RAN FOR TWO SEASONS! TWO!! Why doesn't anyone know that?!"

  • Kate puts on Jack's Bluetooth to talk to Chloe. The She-Jackification continues! All that's left for her to do is nipple-shock someone and yell, "THERE'S NO TIME!"

  • Over at the Murder Family, Mummy Dearest tells Nine Fingers Simone the Most Awesome Thing: "The one thing I don't want you to do is blame yourself"î Oh, "24" maniacs, never change.

  • Chief of Staff Angryglare at least is honest enough to look chagrined once he realizes that Jack is always right. Except when it comes to choosing girlfriends. Then all bets are off.

  • Weasel Boy Navarro brings up Kate's traitorous ex-husband yet again. According to the By-Laws of 24, after his ninth mention, the character magically appears. It's like Candyman.

  • Mummy goes on Terrorist YouTube! "Unlike my enemies, I care about the lives of innocents... which is why I'm threatening to blow up thousands of innocents in London!" Mummy needs to work on her Marketing skills.

  • Convenient Serbian Dude, updated tally: 2 vacant stares, 1 head nod, 3 cases of speaking like the Frankenstein Monster: "You go. She stay." Got it.

  • Prez Heller says to Jack incredulously, "You want me to put you back in the field?" "Mr. President, I've been sitting in this chair for nearly an hour. Do you know what that's doing to our ratings? We'll do this MY way."

  • Navarro announces he's leading the strike team. Erik says, "You?!" Navarro: "Yeah, that's right! I'm going to do it and be killed so that Kate can take charge of the operation. That's what I do!"

  • Jack and Audrey reunite! After a few awkward seconds and some Furious Blinking, they come together for a blubbering, forehead-merging mess! The next 10 seconds sounded like this: "Ima blubba faaahJackwaahbble!" "Nooo, mee blubba laaahsubble!" "OHHHH, BLUBBLE WUBBLE." "Schmoopawubble." "Audrey blubble go! Go nowblubble!" "Uh hubble waaaah...!"

  • Kiefer Sutherland's Emmy clip, right there.

  • The Prez invites the British PM to watch a live feed of Strike Team Redshirt's assault. Uh oh. Live feeds on "24" NEVER go well. It's like being the Way-Too-Religious Guy in a horror movie. Doomed.

  • Hey, whaddaya know?

  • Mummy gives Navid the bad news that his deception failed: "Ian has proved himself. You're no longer needed. Now I shall kill you as Simone watches with the blank stare of Lindsay Lohan at a Stop & Shop."

Tags:

24
You know who would really suck to go with to Walt Disney World? Jack Bauer. Picture this... Little Girl: “Daddy, I want to go see Elsa and Anna, but the line is sooOOOooo long.” Dad: “Well, honey, I’m sorry, but...” Jack: “You want to get in, sweetheart? Don’t worry, Uncle Jack has a pass to get us through the line.” BLAM! BLAM! “They’re shooting people!!! RUN!!! ... okay, sweetie, there you go.”

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:
 
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  • Jack runs with the crowd into the U.S. Embassy and takes out a guard to get his swipe card. Wow, Jack’s back on American soil for 10 seconds and already he’s got someone in a sleeper hold. He’s home!

  • Back at Den o’ Hackers... hey, it’s Convenient Serbian Dude! Where you been? He scowls at Adrian Cross and sinks back into the scenery. Wait, this actor got paid for that?

  • Jack easily makes his way to where Lt. Tanner is being held. Jack tries to bluff his way through: “I’m with the Continuity Department. A lot of stuff is about to happen that’ll make no sense whatsoever. I need you to leave!” That doesn’t work, so he gun-butts the guard. “You want your name cleared?” he tells Tanner. “I’m your only shot.” Or Tanner could just wait another hour until the drone scheme is out in the open, and then he’ll be set free. Hang loose, buddy!

  • Jack, now in possession of the flight key, is cornered in the basement! He contacts Siouxsie Chloe, Dark Mistress of the Hack. “Chloe! Every embassy has a secure and completely unguarded communications room! Find it!”

  • Let’s go visit the Murder Family. Navid tells Simone that he’s got a foolproof plan to escape from Mummy and her Super-Creepy SexyTime SpyCam. Oh, he’s dead. Simone then tells Mummy the truth – “but I looooove him!” These scenes really do need a laugh track. I’m serious.

  • Mummy then confronts Navid, who refuses to pilot the drones “...unless you’re making Amazon deliveries. I can talk to Jeff Bezos and get us all Amazon Prime!” By the way, Amazon Prime sounds like the sexiest Transformer ever.

  • So what does Mummy do to convince Navid? Have her goon hammer-and-chisel-off one of her daughter’s fingers! That’s HARSH!

  • I think that’s the end of the SexyTime SpyCam for a while.

  • Over to President Heller, who is ... wrapping up his speech to a now-calm Parliament? What the hell?! We left off with this guy being two seconds away from a full-fledged “Tell me about the rabbits, George” meltdown to having somehow gotten the angry Brits to mellow out and... oh wait, they’re British, they mellow out for anything. Heller probably said, “Let’s have a cuppa, dears.”

  • Jack seals himself into the comms room while he tries to decrypt the flight key. He says he’ll kill his three hostages inside if anyone barges in. Then he tells the three hostages, “Just joking! I’m not gonna kill you. You might still die from explosions or ricochets because you’re right next to me, but I won’t kill you. Did any of you watch ‘Touch’?”

  • Faced with this bad news, Chief of Staff Angryglare tells the Prez and Audrey, “That speech we didn’t see went great, Mr. President! I don’t know what you said that could’ve pulled that off. No, really, I don’t know what you possibly could have said. Oh, yeah, that reminds me... Jack Bauer is in the U.S. Embassy holding hostages. Audrey, wanna grab lunch, sweetums?”

  • Heller gets on the phone with Jack, who tells him about the drone hijacking and everything he knows about Mummy. Heller says, “Why didn’t you come to me first, Jack?” Jack snorts, “Because it was YOUR State Department that branded me a terrorist, and YOUR network that took my other show off the air!” Heller: “What other show?” Jack: “Did nobody watch that thing? DAMMIT!” </li>
  • Although the Prez seems willing to give Jack the benefit of the doubt, Angryglare convinces him to send in the Marines. “Mr. President, we don’t negotiate with terrorists. Also, once Audrey gets a good look at Jack’s abs, I’m doomed.”

  • Kate She-Jack, who had tracked Jack all the way here, believes his story. Must be damage from the head butt. So, when she hears that the Marines are going to burst in and kill Jack, she thinks WWJD – What Would Jack Do? Oh, go through the air vents! Of course! She drops in on Jack, “Come with me if you want to live! OK, don’t come with me, just lie down so that I can kneel suggestively on top on you!” Over the earjack, Chloe yells, “Who is this bimbo kneeling on top of my Jackipoo?!?”

Tags:

24
I’m several days late because my brain suffered from jet lag after Jack completely messed with reality in yet a different time zone! If you thought the idea of Jack of making it across Manhattan in 4 minutes was the most ridiculous logic-leap in “24” history, you’d be... well, you’d still be right. But this night came close at times! Let’s turn on our hidden webcams and go over some of the brilliant craziness.

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • Brace yourself, people – this episode gets underway with a shocking event... something you thought you’d never see in a “24” episode: Jack Bauer steps into a bathroom. OH MY GOD.

  • Kate the She-Jack ignores the direct order from Navarro (this year’s resident weasel) to release Drug Dealing Guy. In fact, she clobbers Drug Dealing Guy, throws him into the back of her car, and threatens to play “I Will Always Love You” on an endless loop. She IS She-Jack!

  • Jack has 4 minutes to intercept Simone, the Yates-killing gal pal, who is escaping via the London Underground. Jack drives to the next station and runs down the stairs to the platform in seconds. Wait, have any of you BEEN to an Underground station? It’s not like Manhattan. The train platforms feel like they’re 2 miles below street level. Just to get down the stairs would take 4 minutes!

  • Simone dodges Jack by cutting her leg and smearing the blood on her face. Not coincidentally, Gov. Christie tried the same thing to dodge the Bridgegate scandal.

  • Jack demands to know why Chloe froze up and allowed Simone to escape. Chloe says, “I saw someone who looked like Powers Boothe and I flashed back to him being Vice President Jim Jones and those terrible plot twists back in Day 6. And, oh, my husband and son were killed by a plot device that’s sure to pop up in few hours.” OH NO! Jack gets emotional (sorta) and hugs her. Chloe: “You know, I’ve dreamed of this moment, my bold grizzly.” Jack: “WHAT did you say, Chloe?” Chloe: “I said, NO, that’s not a hug! It’s the Sleeeeeper.... Hoooolld... zzzzz.....” Jack: “DAMMIT!”

  • Chief of Staff Mark Angryglare gets the Rendition Order for Jack from Head Lackey, who says, “It can only be signed by the President! So don’t even think of signing it yourself after fighting with your still-hot-for-Jack wife!”

  • Okay, now we meet the whole Murder Family (® my friend Evan Dorkin): mommy Margot, daughter Simone, techie brother Ian, and squishy husband Naveed. When this season is over, I want FOX to do a spinoff sitcom with this bunch. “But MUMMY, why can’t I kill the TV repairman?” “Oh you CAN, Simone darling, but not until he finishes fixing the telly. I’m missing EastEnders!” [laugh track]

  • Jack, with help from Chloe and Adrian Cross’ team of hackers, is able to directly link Yates’ drone controller to the plight of Lt. Chris Tanner, the schlub who’s been arrested for the drone attack. Then Jack jumps right into Super Jack Logic Defiance Mode: “I have to give this information to President Heller directly!” Jack, you old-fashioned ninny! The half-dozen hackers behind you could probably upload that information to thousands of websites and phones within minutes! Why the need for the hand-to-hand thingie? That didn’t always work out when you tried it with President Palmer (Best Fake President EVER), and Heller doesn’t even like you!

  • But NOOOOOOOO. Jack, being Jack, needs to go to Westminster on its nuttiest day of the decade, and he’ll need to get past security and a gang of protesters with super-hastily-made signs who are demanding revenge on the U.S. President whose arrival was planned less than an hour ago. But hey, let’s roll with it!

  • Chloe has a fellow hacker create a fake ID for Jack so that he can get through the security check. But Adrian Cross sneakily decides to replace it with that of Madonna.

  • Simone’s squishy husband, Naveed, says he thinks the idea of killing people is all kinds of icky. He’s not sure he can do it. Simone decides to use sex to convince him otherwise, because when does that NOT work? Meanwhile, Mummy Margot is watching Simone & Naveed’s SexyTime on hidden camera!! EWWWWW...!!! I mean, BWAHAHAHAHA! That’s great.

  • The Prez, accompanied by Mark and Audrey and an embarrassed Stephen Fry, begins his address to Parliament in the angry House of Commons – which doesn’t look like the real House of Commons! If you’ve ever seen BBC News, then you know that the speaker is flanked by bleachers full of white-haired, crotchety folks who yell at him. The building HERE looks more like our own House of Representatives, where the speaker directly faces white-haired, crotchety folks who yell on cable TV.

  • Jack gets to the security gate and shows his ID. The guards in the booth run it through. “Crimey! It’s Madonna!” “I hate her phony Brit accent!” “GET HER!”

  • Jack reaches into his Classic Jack Playbook and pulls out #17: “When capture by government forces seems imminent, start shooting bystanders.” BLAM! BLAM!

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