When Samuel L. Jackson stepped from the shadows as Nick Fury in the post-credits end of May 2008’s Iron Man and told Tony Stark about “the Avengers Initiative,” the words seemed to be teasing the impossible. At best, it could be only a no-harm-done throwaway line. After all, for the then-new Marvel Studios, Iron Man itself was a risky project: a film about a second-tier superhero by an actor turned director, with a troubled yet brilliant star who had more baggage than JFK Airport. Even in the unlikely event Iron Man became a hit, Marvel Studios’ head, Kevin Feige, had to be insane to believe his new studio could produce a series of crowd-pleasing superhero films and then unite all those actors for a spectacular, high-budget, team-up movie? Yep, insane.

Four years later, welcome to the madhouse. Joss Whedon’s The Avengers is an excellent, thrilling, exhilarating triumph. To call it the best comic-book movie ever made is an understatement and possibly even a disservice to it and the films that cleared the path.* There wasn’t much doubt that Whedon could put together a witty, high-stakes story with these characters. After all, he did exactly that during the seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But in the movies? With these high expectations? Not only does he pull it off, he makes it seem effortless.

There are no major spoilers below, just a couple of plot points. If you would rather not know anything about the movie, stop right here.

The film begins by pulling together threads from last year’s Thor and Captain America. (You don’t need to have seen those films or the other Marvel movies to enjoy The Avengers, but it certainly doesn’t hurt, especially since you'll get to see more of Tom Hiddleston’s first-rate, layered performance as Loki, Thor’s deceitful and now-exiled brother.) Here, Loki arrives on Earth and seizes control of the Asgardian “Tesseract” (a.k.a. the Cosmic Cube) from SHIELD. Using the Tesseract’s limitless energy, he plans to subjugate mankind with the help of an alien army. Nick Fury is left with one choice: Revive SHIELD’s abandoned-between-films Avengers Initiative.

It takes about 30 minutes for all the pieces to be, ahem, assembled. Once that’s done, the action really gets underway – as the bickering heroes attack each other. The Avengers works largely because Whedon doesn’t shy away from the characters’ darker sides. Each character gets a moment to shine – and, more importantly, a moment in the shadows. While Bruce Banner’s anger-management problem may be the most visible (to put it mildly), all of our supposed heroes are messed up. There is little reason for them to like each other, let alone trust each other, even when the entire planet is at risk. And speaking of Banner’s problem, he offers some insight into his inner conflict that will make your jaw drop.

When the tragic aftermath of a surprise attack forces the heroes to overcome their flaws, the shift is smooth, satisfying, and natural, without any sudden “kumbaya” moment. It sets the stage for the final battle in midtown Manhattan – a 45-minute sequence that caused the audience (yes, me too) to applaud, laugh, or shout with delight many times, especially at the Hulk’s bombastic first punch, Tony Stark dramatic field-test of the Mark VII armor (one of the film’s most exciting scenes), Hawkeye’s explosive surprise, and a great slapstick moment in Grand Central Station that’s worthy of Chuck Jones. The movie has plenty of subtler treats, too: Captain America taking charge. Hawkeye giving tactical advice to the non-tactical Iron Man. “He’s adopted.” The Black Widow interrogating Loki.

Not surprisingly, Robert Downey Jr. gets a meaty chunk of the film’s cleverest lines, and it’s a pleasure to watch Stark slowly evolve into a team player. Chris Hemsworth continues to do good work as Thor, portraying a Thunder God who's a little humbler after the events in his movie. Chris Evans said in an Entertainment Weekly interview that, contrary to most folks’ opinion, Steve Rogers isn’t idealistic; he’s likely the most cynical of the group because of the future’s failed promises. That comes across strongly in his performance as Captain America. Cap wants to be idealistic – it’s just that no one in 2012 has given him a good reason. Yet. Jeremy Renner conveys Hawkeye perfectly, even though his character is, ah, not quite himself in the first half. And Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow gets dealt a much better hand here than in Iron Man 2.

But the standout performance – well, both of them – belongs to Mark Ruffalo and the Hulk effects team. You can see Bruce Banner’s emotional unrest in almost every scene, and the banter between Banner and Stark is a highlight of the film. Whedon wisely limits the Hulk’s appearances, which helps to heighten the excitement when he DOES appear. If the audience reaction to the Hulk in the final half-hour is any indication, the Hulk film franchise just got a gamma-irradiated boost.

Bottom line: Insanity has won. Believe the hype. The Avengers rocks. And you must not leave until the credits are over. No, no, I mean until ALL the credits are over. You’ll be glad you did.

Note to parents: The movie is violent and tense, even if there isn’t much blood. And the realistic attack on New York City may upset some children. If you’re not sure whether your kid can handle it, watch one of the other Marvel movies at home with him or her. If you’re still not sure, wait for the DVD or do what my wife and I did: Get a babysitter and go see it!

P.S. My updated ranking of the best superhero movies, 1 to 5: The Avengers, Spider-Man 2, Captain America, X-Men 2, Batman Begins. Comment!

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*Without Stephen Norrington’s Blade, Bryan Singer’s X-Men, Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man (each of which was surpassed by its sequel), and Chris Nolan’s Batman Begins, this movie doesn’t happen. Those earlier movies proved that, in the right hands, a comic-book character could jump to the Big Screen in a serious, honest fashion that pleased audiences, critics, and Hollywood accountants. Seriously, think back to the late ‘90s and imagine the level of guts Singer showed by setting an opening scene of a perceived “kids’ movie” at the gates of a World War II concentration camp. Wow. Some film critics protested, but audiences took note.

Though tempted, I'll take no credit for the ignominious (but OH so satisfying) departure of Colton Crumbie from Survivor: One World right after my last Survivor post. All the credit for that goes to Madame Karma! For that vicious, spoiled, arrogant brat to be taken off for medical reasons right after openly rooting to Christina to get injured and be carted off was the most delicious serving of karma I've witnessed in some time. Special Bonus: Colton's top ally, the equally vicious and whiny Alicia, complains that Colton chose to keep his Immunity Idol as a souvenir instead of giving it to her. Hey, Colton's whole game was all about "ME! ME! ME!" so why should Alicia be surprised that he was consistently selfish right to the end? My Shadowrun karma pool just refreshed! Yes!

Now let's jump to the current proceedings. Colton’s crumble (you see what I did there?) precipitated a slightly premature merge of the two tribes. But which alliances would hold together: the original gender-based ones or the post-swap ones? Kim, who is by far the smartest player this season (granted, the bar is LOW), successfully and stealthily keeps both options open at first. She wants to see which way the wind was blowing. Unfortunately for the men, the wind is blowing right past Tarzan's poop-stained blue Speedo. It’s evident that the men are still a disjointed, easily manipulated mess. Remember, these are the same people who unanimously voted to throw away their Tribal Immunity and their numbers advantage.

So Kim bluntly lies to Troyzan, who is the closest we have to a thinker among the men, which is akin to calling an earthworm a speed demon among rocks. She tells him that Mike is planning to vote him out. Troyzan doesn't like that! But does he confront Mike, even after Jay worries that the women might be pulling a scam? Nooooo! Result: Bye-bye, Mike! You were another boring player with no sense of strategy.

That brings us to last week's ep, where the roles have flipped: It's now Troyzan who wonders if the gals are ganging up on them, while male model Jay preaches the "It's all hunky dory, man" mantra. Even Tarzan tells Troyzan he believes that the women are planning to eliminate them. Well, Tarzan should know, since he consistently votes to eliminate the men! (Tangent: Next to Colton’s wonderful appendix-exit, my favorite moment of the season involves Tarzan, who - like "special agent" Philip Sheppard last year - raises lack of self-awareness to an art form. Dismissing the idea that Chelsea or anyone could dislike him because of his surliness, unreliability, or potent ass-stink, plastic surgeon Tarzan tells Chelsea he realizes she dislikes him because – obviously – she must hate the work that her own plastic surgeon did. On her breasts. High comedy!)

Jay continues to believe that his post-swap alliance with Kim and Chelsea is intact, despite all the women's body language to the contrary. Meanwhile, Kim quietly targets Troyzan, identifying him as the one pineapple among the coconuts. Next, she lies bluntly to Jay's face, vowing that they're tight. She's good. Chelsea, who had been hoping to keep Jay in her warm alliance (nudge nudge wink wink), stands there and nods – and then tries to convince herself on camera that by staying silent, she didn't really betray Jay. Uh huh. Good luck with that.

Kim is so convincing that when Troyzan foolishly tells Jay that he's going to vote for Kim and play his hidden Immunity Idol, Jay immediately warns Kim because he doesn't want to risk seeing his "ally" get voted off because of Troyzan's paranoia. Ay yi yi! Commence the frantic pre-Tribal Council scramble for votes! The end result: Troyzan played his Idol, but the ladies – and friggin' Tarzan! – cleverly voted for Jay instead! So one more guy is gone, and Troyzan's Idol is flushed out. Win-Win, ladies!

So what's left for tonight and the following episodes? The ladies are clearly in control. Wait, I'll revise that: Kim is in control, followed in descending order by Chelsea, Sabrina, Kat, and Alicia. Christina is in the mix, too, but like Leif and Tarzan, she has not made one strategic move so far. Like Jonas, she's a bystander, which raises the question: What are you mooks doing on Survivor? Don't you watch the show?

Troyzan is the only person right now with enough smarts to challenge Kim, but it seems too late to make a move. Who could he pick up? Leif, Tarzan, and Christina? That's still only four to Kim's five – and that's assuming Tarzan remembers who to vote for. With that, I predict a Final Five of Kim, Chelsea, Sabrina, Kat, and Alicia, with Alicia going out should Christina win that day's Immunity Challenge. And if I'm Kim, I'd want to bring Kat and Alicia/Christina with me to the Final Three so I'd get the most Jury votes. She might not get Chelsea's and Sabrina's votes – or Jay's – but to the rest, she'll probably succeed in making the case that she used smarts and charisma to get to the top.

I haven't said much about CW's thriller Ringer -- a surprising lack of comments from a Buffy-phile! That's probably because while the Sarah Michelle Gellar vehicle has been enjoyable as a guilty pleasure, it's never lit the "OH MY GOD, I MUST BLOG ABOUT THIS!" fire. Oh yeah, there have been moments where I've rubbed my hands in glee at the end of an episode (e.g., squeaky-clean Andrew's admission to Bridget-as-Siobhan that HE created his firm's Ponzi scheme). However, there have been just as many palm-to-face moments, usually involving Malcolm, the Plot Device That Walks Like a Man, or Henry, who may have surpassed Bill Pullman's character from Ruthless People as the Stupidest Man Alive.

Overall, though? It's been fun! The plot in a nutshell: Wrong-Side-of-Tracks twin (Bridget) meets secretly with Wealthy-and-Happy twin (Siobhan) to escape a goofily named drug lord. Reality: Siobhan is a Grade-A beyotch who's hated by everyone and makes Alexis Carrington look like Sister Bertrille. Siobhan fakes her death, knowing that panicky Bridget will seize her identity. Siobhan's Foolproof Plan: Bridget will get killed by the Mysterious Assasssin who's after Siobhan, while the real Siobhan lounges against a backdrop of Paris with lots of moolah and a new identity, and no one's the wiser. Problem: Everything goes wrong! Not only does tough-as-nails Bridget kill the assassin, but she ends up being a better Siobhan than Siobhan ever was! Now toss in the following: multiple assassins, Andrew's ex-wife, ex-addict/ex-lover/Walking Plot Device Malcolm, Siobhan's pregnancy, a subplot straight out of Wild Things, lost millions, a Ponzi scheme, murder, Lost's Richard Albert and his eternal eyeliner, cooly evil Brits, and cooly evil Brit lesbians. You notice that I haven't yet mentioned the pilot's Green Screen of Death moment, right? OH DAMN, there it is!

You may wonder, "How in the world was this intended as an ongoing series?" And you would not be alone! I've never understood how the series -- which hinges on Bridget never realizing that Siobhan is still alive -- could fill up one season, let alone go on to a second one, but I figured I'd hop that chasm of disbelief if the series ever made it that far.

And here it is! In a few hours, Ringer airs its season finale, and rumors and ratings suggest it has a 50/50 shot of coming back. I've been hoping that it does return, even though last week's disappointing episode was brimming with "We've got to wrap everything up!" desperation. (See: Gratuitous TV Elements, subsections "Family Held Hostage" and "Spontaneous Lesbianism.") Mostly, though, I'd like a second season of Ringer so that we can:

• Watch Ioan Gruffudd continue to put distance between himself and the Fantastic Four movies.
  
• Get the satisfaction of seeing Siobhan utterly defeated.
  
• See Andrew come to grip with the reality that his wife has been another woman for the past eight months ... and he's never once suspected. D'OH!
  
• See Henry either wise up or sell his body for parts, since there is clearly no pilot in the brain case.
  
• See goofily named drug lord Bodaway Macawi (!?!) go away so that I can stop thinking that he looks like BSG's Gaius Baltar.
  
• NOT see the return of Malcolm Ward, the Plot Device That Walks Like a Man. Sheesh. He served a purpose in the first three or four eps, but after that...?
  
• See lots and LOTS more of Sarah Michelle Gellar on series TV. Her performance has been terrific, and she has deftly handled the many emotions and machinations in her dual role. (No, my mind is not clouded! Who do you think she is, The Shadow?)
  
• And lastly, hope for the possibility that -- just once! -- Bridget will do a Buffyesque kip-up. Would that be so bad?

After far too long, we recently continued Rick Maffei’s 4e D&D campaign, set in the world of Áereth (from Goodman Games’ Dungeon Crawl Classics) – a cool world that many of us had a hand in creating. A quick recap: Our party has gotten drawn into a wild, murderous search for the treasure of dead pirate Captain Longshanks. During our exploration of a grotto, we collected Longshanks’ ledger (written in code) and a metallic triangle hidden in the skull of Longshanks’ first mate.

Complication #1: Two beholders (!) showed up as we inspected the grisly massacre of a goblin tribe.
Complication #2: A mysterious group, the Yellow Lotus, is attempting to kill every sage in the region who has knowledge of Longshanks. The latest victim: the sage Taraghan, killed by a kenku assassin. In Taraghan’s residence, we found a seemingly normal historical book that had been, oddly, magically encrypted. We have just fought a murder of kenku to a standstill in a dilapidated lighthouse, retreating with one prisoner (nicknamed Spiky) as the structure caught fire.

Here is the party lineup:

• Mike: Tarthon, minotaur barbarian – Have Axe, Will Travel
  
• Steve: Grumhorn, a.k.a. "Grue," dwarf invoker – The Immovable Object. Truly.
  
• Felix: Manael, tiefling bard – Inventor of the Killing Joke
  
• Me: Graaver Stormcry, longtooth shifter druid-fighter – Sees Life as a Series of Punching Bags
  
• Willie: Kheiron, githzerai seeker Sebastin, githzerai shaman-invoker... and we all swear that Sebastin has been with us THE WHOLE TIME. Really!

Note: This time, I couldn’t attend the gaming session. Waah! Fortunately, Steve deftly recapped the proceedings, which I’ve edited and posted below. Also, between sessions, Kindly DM Rick decided we had identified two magic items found in the grotto: Bloodcut Leather Armor +1 (now worn by Sebastin) and a Rapier of Retribution +2 (which we’ll likely sell).

We rejoin our crew in the woods, where Spiky the Kenku tells us that there might be more information about the Yellow Lotus back in the lighthouse... which is, um, on fire, though he doesn’t know that. Decision time: Do we head back to the lighthouse and search what's left of it for a possible clue (and weep for the incinerated kenku children!) or forge ahead to Rockport in search of the sage Elbarr, who for all intents and purposes is wearing an “Assassinate Me” sign on his back? OK, back to the lighthouse, we proclaim. Spiky insists that he has held up his side of the deal and should be released. We mull it over and decide to tie him to a tree, secure enough for us to get a head start before he can free himself. We head toward the lighthouse... only to double-back – a-ha! – once out of sight, and head toward Rockport. We based the decision on time being of the essence for Mr. Elbarr. Best we make haste to Rockport and not risk a long engagement at the lighthouse only to possibly find nothing. We hope.

The plan was to camp at the beach by the grotto for the evening, then continue on to Rockport in the morning. We’d follow the road, stopping only as needed, and "eat on the run." As we started out, a light drizzle began. We soon encountered three wagons filled with religious folk heading in the opposite direction. After exchanging polite nods, we continued on our respective ways. The overnight at the beach camp was uneventful, aside from some brush-rustling caused by... a small animal? A rodent? A Kardashian? Unknown.

The next day, around noon, we come across a roadblock. These trees did not fall naturally. Someone MADE them lie down! [Or is “lay down”? I always get that mixed up.] Tarthon approaches the blockade, "Show yourselves!" Two small, scaly creatures pop up from behind the blockade, whipping slings over their heads. They launch two projectiles at Tarthon and miss, falling short by a dozen feet. They duck again behind the fallen trees, and we move closer. The two creatures, ignoring additional threats from Our Friendly Neighborhood Minotaur (bad move!), appear again and fire salvos at him, clearly not concerned about the rest of the party. This time, they hit Tarthon once. Whatever it is it stinks, but it doesn't faze him. Yet they’ve made Tarthon angry! He advances toward their position by going off the road -- literally -- into a 17-foot-deep pit. Right about now, Sebastin (who, again, has been with us the WHOLE time) notices a horseman in black armor and six armed men approaching from behind. The horseman shouts, "Halt!"

Sebastin's World Speaker spirit throws up a zone of "Leave me and go blind" – which is, coincidentally, also a curse uttered by Angelina Jolie years ago when she dumped Billy Bob Thornton. Manael blasts the horseman out of the zone (thinking he will go blind; alas, forced movement doesn’t really help), and Grue lays down some Astral Wind that takes out two minions. The two kobolds (yes, the scaly creatures behind the blockade) show themselves and torment Tarthon. The horseman, clearly annoyed by our show of force, rides atop a nearby rise and shouts, "Cease all hostilities now!!!" We look at each other and consider it. What's the harm in hearing him out? Clearly, we are kicking their asses. The horseman (holding a large shield with a black sphere in the center) speaks again, motioning to Manael, "Approach and no harm will come to you." (It’s a good reminder of how freaky-looking our party is when the tiefling is summoned for diplomacy.) Skeptical of the horseman’s good intentions, we wait for Tarthon to climb out of the pit and let us know that he’s OK and ready for action. Then we await Tarthon’s sign to continue kicking ass. Manael approaches.

Horseman: "Throw down all books, tomes, papers... and leave. No harm will come to you."
Manael: "All I've got is my tome. Nothing else. I swear."
Horseman: "Then we want recompense for our fallen men. A few gems, perhaps."
Manael: "We don't have that kind of money."
Horseman: "If you don't do what I ask, we will kill you. Reinforcements are already on the way."
Sebastin (laughing out loud): "He's bluffing." (He also hears horses off in the distance, a few rounds away. Friend or foe of this crew?)
Manael: "No, we won't pay."
Horseman: "So be it!"

This is Tarthon's sign. He swiftly tries to dispatch the two kobolds as they run away, nearly killing one right off the bat. I guess they weren't thrilled with their leader’s plan. Manael zaps the horseman, who takes off – and Manael sees 15 more horsemen in black armor in the distance heading our way. One of them carries a standard with the same insignia that was on the shield of the first horseman.

We finish off the group and dive into the dense forest to seek cover before the reinforcements arrive. The soldiers pause nearby. Someone hears talking and arrows being fired. Or was that fire arrows? D’oh! We see smoke and hear the crackling of burning underbrush. We wait for the smoke to build so we can use it as cover. After moving deeper into the forest and waiting a bit, we head toward the road in an arc. No sign of them. We spend the rest of the trip skirting the road. [Note: Sebastin’s spirit companion was a big boon in this encounter. I’m glad he’s joined the party. He’s proven to be valuable ally, time and again!]

A couple of hours after sunset, we reach the small, coastal city of Rockport. The front gate is open, and unguarded. Not a surprise, given its rundown condition. We continue to the center of town to another inner gated wall. (Rockport is roughly laid out in concentric rock walls, with each circle better maintained as you move toward the center.)

Voice: "Who goes there!?"
Us: "We seek Elbarr."
Voice: "Never heard of him."
Us: "He's a mage." [Note: No, no, he’s a sage, not mage... well, as far as we know, that is.]
Voice: "I know three mages inside these walls, and none is named Elbarr. Nor do they want to see you."
Us: "What are their names?"
Voice: "Cartrese, Caleb, and Mendig." [Note: Either Rick prepared these names ahead of time or he pulled them from an episode of General Hospital.]

We decide a nearby tavern – the Blue Siren – may be a better place to look for information. Sebastin waits outside as the rest of us enter... and draw glances from everyone (go figure). A man approaches Tarthon, in a somewhat standoffish manner, but greets him well. He welcomes all of us, buys us drinks, and introduces himself as Darrow. During the ensuing conversation with Darrow and his pals, we ask about Elbarr. They say they know of him. Once they’ve convinced that our intentions are good, they will help us find him. But first....

A few men clear the center of the room. Darrow tells us to step into the center of the room and speak our intentions to the, ah, magic puffer. If our intentions are good, it will glow with approval. “But,” Darrow says, “you must look only up at the Puffer and focus your answer at it.” Suspicious, we all stand in the center of the room and look up. Yep, there is a puffer fish there. It's poorly maintained, covered in cobwebs and dust, and even has pretty (fake) gems for eyes.

We step up and, one at a time, speak our intentions. (Grue does so with his hands over his pockets, possibly fearing the Monty Python trap, “What is your favorite color?”) Then we hear a mechanical click... and the floor drops away! Manael and Grue (yes, Grue, the Boat Anchor That Walks Like a Man) jump out of the way, but Tarthon falls down into a pit... again. Laughter erupts as Tarthon plunges into sea water.

The “pit” is actually in the inn’s basement. (We are next to the coast, after all.) Tarthon takes an opportunistic look around and sees casks, crates, and some food stuff. There are stairs leading up, so Tarthon grabs a cask of ale, heaves it onto his shoulder, and climbs the stairs. Reaching the tavern floor, Tarthon looks at Darrow, "If you wanted refills, you could have pointed me to the stairs." The place erupts in laughter again. Instant celebrities! Darrow happily gives us directions to Elbarr. He was just a few minutes away. We thank them for their "hospitality" and head out.

Recalling what happened the last time we visited a sage, we keep our eyes on the rooftops and make Perception checks. Grue spots a roof. We reach the building, which is two stories tall and attached to other structures on either side. Elbarr's place is on the second floor, directly above a chandler. [Note: No, dear reader, he doesn’t mean Matthew Perry! A chandler is a Medieval-style candle maker.]

Sebastin takes position on a landing halfway up the stairs to Elbarr’s residence, while the rest of us go to the door. Maneal leads, Tarthon follows, Grue takes up the rear, and Stormcry meditates somewhere nearby. [Note: Clearly, being a fighter/druid hybrid isn’t good enough for me. I must be multiclassing as a ninja. Yay me!] The apartment door is ajar... and there's a bloody hand print streaked across the door. Manael and Tarthon enter to find four bodies: three kenku and an older human man. Are we too late? The man moves. He slowly gets up, using his sword for balance. "If you're here to kill me,” he says, “give me a moment to compose myself." Manael responds with something along the lines of "Shit no! Here. Let me heal you."

An instant later, another kenku and human crash through the rear window! The human blade fighter points at Elbarr and commands his feathered ally, "Kill him, once and for all!" Roll for initiative! Commence the pummeling of the kenku! Well, he was the first to go for Elbarr. Tarthon quickly moves to protect the sage! He shifts past the kenku, clobbering it with Pressing Strike and acting as a shield (or as Dave and Steve said, a “Wall of No!”). As each of us does our best to chop, slash, blast, and sear the life out of the kenku, his partner in crime Shifty McSquirrely tries to slice and dice us apart. And he does a good job of it! Not only is he causing crazy amounts of damage, nearly taking out Manael with a 21-point damage attack (!), he dishes out 5 points of ongoing damage from bleeding wounds, and then he shifts two or three times to do it AGAIN AT EACH STOP along the way!!

The kenku mockingly squawks at our attacks, confident that he’ll survive. Birdy is wrong. The kenku drops. We focus on Shifty. Grue pins him down temporarily with Spear of the Inquisitor, and the rest do our worst. Shifty is persistent, though, and shifts his way over to Elbarr, who takes damage and attempts to strike back (the fact that Elbarr took out three kenku by himself was not lost on us). He misses, but is still alive and saves against the ongoing damage. We back Shifty into a corner. Tarthon turns and unleashes an Action-Point-fueled melee combo of Brutal Slam and Howling Strike with the battleaxe! Shifty is still up! Manael piles on. Grue misses but – Action Point! – nails Shifty with a final blast. The assassin falls.

Manael turns to Elbarr and catching his breath says, "We heard someone's trying to kill you."

[Edit: HAHAHAHA!! Well played, Felix. Also, Shifty apparently got a defensive boost or temporary hit points when we cornered him. Rick said, without that, Shifty’s soul would’ve entered the Shadowfell with a battleaxe-shaped dent in his head.]

But what about Elbarr himself? What does he know about Captain Longshanks? Does the Yellow Lotus seek Longshanks’ secret recipe for egg salad? The next recap is coming very shortly, as we resumed the session three days later in – a first for us – an online chat. Cool stuff.

Update: And here it is! We all gathered in a chat room on Talkerapp.com. It worked out great! We picked up right from Manael's closing line. It was an ideal way to handle a lengthy but important conversation in character, and the ability to copy and paste and images while doing so was a big asset. It's also a good way to keep the imagination and storyline going if there are long gaps between in-person sessions. We'll definitely do this again when appropriate.

Something about the second-season finale of AMC’s The Walking Dead bothered me. Was it my deep-seated fear of All Things Zombie? Nah, that did keep me awake in bed for two hours after watching the episode, but it’s not what bothered me. This morning, my sleep-deprived brain figured it out as I swerved through Route 17 traffic. It’s playing out like the current season of Survivor!

Just to be clear, this is not a compliment! Yes, I’m a big fan of both shows, but... well, let’s list the similarities. SPOILERS ABOUND.

1. No one is safe (well, almost). In The Walking Dead, you get the sense that anyone (except maybe Rick) could get ripped apart by ravenous zombies in any episode. I certainly expected Hershel to buy the farm along with, um, his farm. In Survivor, a player might think that he or she is safe from the vote at Tribal Council. However, a few whispered words, a little intimidation, or some well-planted lies can easily result in the arrogant (Matt) and the upright (Monica) getting ripped apart by ravenous players and voted off. Say what you will about zombies, though - at least they’re honest!

2. A dead man walking is a threat. Survivor history has many examples of people who escaped certain loserhood because the dominant power bloc foolishly decided to first turn their firepower inward, thinking “We can get him/her later.” Best example: Survivor: Vanuatu, the previous appearance of the men vs. women gimmick. The women’s alliance, led by peel-me-a-grape Ami, dominated after the merge, but they left Chris alone as they targeted less “loyal” members of their group. Chris eventually won the million bucks. Compare this to The Walking Dead, where... come on, do you need me to spell this out? GODDAMN ZOMBIES! Shoot ‘em in the head!!

3. Hungry mouths cause problems. In The Walking Dead... again, hello? Zombies!! Also, as fans of the original comic series know, hunger and the dwindling food supply eventually lead to disturbing choices for the living, too. In Survivor, it’s hard to imagine the depths of hunger that these contestants must accept after several weeks of eating only rice, a couple of fish, and the scathing commentary of host Jeff Probst. (It was probably hard for them to imagine that hunger, too, or else they would have never gone on the show!) One of the best reward challenges to pop up nearly every season is the Food Temptation. Right around Day 21 of this competitive starvation, Probst will display, say, humongous hamburgers, french fries, and mugs of beer and give each player a choice: Compete for individual immunity and a guarantee of staying in the game for another day, or pig out on the feast and possibly get voted out that night. As any zombie knows, hunger often leads to bad decisions, but ... BRAAAAINS!!!

4. Worst. Parenting. EVER. Let’s take The Walking Dead’s Lori and Rick Grimes. (Oh, please, someone take Lori! She’s gone from a tower of strength to a wishy-washy “Why can’t I have both men?” mess. If a Walker ate her, he’d quickly hang himself with his own entrails. Or Lori’s. But I digress.) Rick’s reluctance to aggressively grab back the Daddy reins from Shane contributed greatly to the familial troubles this season. I suppose that’s part of what makes Rick an interesting character. He’s a proven leader except to the person to whom it matters the most: his son, Carl. While Rick has been busy dealing with Shane, the zombies, and the guys from the other camp, Lori has had one key job: Keep Carl safe. And she’s failed horribly. Now it’s bad enough when your kid keeps wandering off alone in the woods - with a gun! - but gee, it’s a lot worse when this keeps happening after the freakin’ Zombie Apocalypse!! Over in Survivor. we may not see kids, but we’ve seen plenty of people who are responsible for kids, and I pity the young! This season, Alicia - a teacher - responded to Christina’s attempt at reconciliation with “Please. If I saw her swimming in the ocean and she was drowning, I’d probably look the other way.” Nothing, though, can top NaOnka in Survivor: Nicaragua. The PhysEd teacher was practically a sociopath, especially in regard to Kelly B. No, I’ll rephrase that... “in regard to Kelly B’s prosthetic leg.” She reacted like Ahab upon seeing Moby Dick, refusing to pass up any opportunity to knock down Kelly, mentally and physically. “Hopefully I'll push you so hard your damn leg will fall off!” Ladies and gentlemen, I present the guardians of our real and fictional futures!

5. It's important to run fast. In Survivor, you can stay alive by running fast in some challenges. In The Walking Dead, you can stay alive by running faster than someone else. (See: Otis, fate of.)

6. Immunity is a fickle beyotch. This season’s finale of The Walking Dead answered the question from last year’s finale: What did Dr. Jenner of the CDC whisper to Rick? Answer: They’re all infected. Yikes. In the short term, Rick’s dark revelation doesn’t change things, just as he said. They still need to stay alive. In the long term, though, it ratchets up the despair over the fate of the human race. No one is immune. Things are less grim over in Survivor, where a player can gain great security by finding and possessing an Immunity Idol. The key is to keep that info secret and use the Idol only when necessary to save yourself or a close ally. Naturally, most people who find an Idol can’t keep their trap shut. They immediately gloat to “trusted” allies, who in turn can’t keep a secret either, which soon leads to everyone knowing about it and a big target being placed on the possessor’s back - unless you’re Colton on this season’s Survivor: One World. This brings us to...

7. Success rests in the hands of stupid people. Okay, this one needs some room to breathe because it may be the most important! Colton, the spoiled frat boy on Survivor this season, had been on the chopping block on the all-men tribe, but he rounded up four allies by telling them that he had an Immunity Idol (which he didn’t even find himself - don’t get me started). He used this leverage to successfully oust the arrogant pseudo-Aryan, Matt. Fine. Good move. Then Colton got so sick of the harmless Bill (for reasons that, let’s face it, were elitist at best and racist at worst) that after the men’s tribe won the Immunity Challenge, he successfully lobbied his tribe to go to Tribal Council anyway, just so he wouldn’t have to look at Bill anymore.

Let me state this again, because it’s a special level of stupidity: The men’s tribe unanimously decided to relinquish immunity and go to Tribal Council so that they could indulge one brat’s vendetta, vote off a guy, and lose their numbers advantage over the women’s tribe. It’s never happened before in Survivor. A stunning display of short-sighted stupidity and cowardice. The men were intimidated by Colton’s possession of the Immunity Idol. So? You flush it out and force him to use it! Ay yi yi. Advance to the next episode, where the tribes’ members are shuffled. Certainly, Colton’s dominance won’t continue, right? Wrong. Colton is outmaneuvering a bunch of dummies, and he admits as much! Alicia is Dummy #1. How quickly do you think she'll be blackballed by the other women once they realize that she helped Colton backstab Monica? Jonas is Dummy #2, who happily says he’s content to be “Colton’s bitch” (his words). Gee, there’s solid, bold game-playing for you.

Back over in The Walking Dead, there is plenty of dumbness to go around, as Daryl never fails to point out. The Grimes family makes one boneheaded decision for every good one. And how is it that Hershel and his family never had a decent evacuation plan aside from “Get in the cars"? Wouldn’t you keep those cars loaded with some provisions (food, gas, clothes, ammo) just in case of a sudden emergency such as, oh, three hundred zombies?

8. Once-clever ideas stick around too long. The Walking Dead: Goodbye at long last, Hershel’s farm. Yes, we saw far too much of you in Season 2. You were OK at first, but whether for plot reasons or (more likely) cost-saving ones, you wouldn’t let us leave, at one point bringing us close to something that once seemed impossible: boredom. Survivor’s Redemption Island was neither redemptive nor an island. Discuss! Giving ousted players a chance to return was a nice twist - for one season. But then it stuck around, stripping the game of the important reward challenges and undermining the climactic moment of each episode: the finality of getting voted off. It’s gone now, hopefully for good.

9. Horniness trumps stinkiness. Whether covered in zombie gore or their own stink, guys and gals on both series have demonstrated that lack of showers and mouthwash cannot stop true lust. Get these people a mint! Ah, Glenn and Maggie, so young, so cute, so limited in their options.

10. A divided tribe will get chewed up. It’s safe to say that were it not for the Shane-Lori-Rick triangle in The Walking Dead, the zombies would still be on Weight Watchers in the season finale. Well, now that Shane is double dead and Rick has gone all autocrat on the survivors, everything will be fine, right? Right? As for Survivor ... sheesh, just look at #2 and #7 to see what can happen when your group’s biggest decisions are born from internal conflict.

Like I said, it’s not a favorable comparison for either series. Yet in the absence of 24, The Walking Dead continues to be the most jaw-clenchingly tense show on TV right now, warts and all. And the season finale sets things up nicely for a kick-ass Season 3. Prognosis: Continued coolness, more sleepless nights for Ken.

For Survivor, things don’t look as good. Yes, it’s still pulling in terrific ratings after 11 years (!), yet viewer loyalty may only be as good as the current cast. And on that score, the series currently blows monkey chunks. Big ones. As pal Mike Ferguson said to me, “I didn't think they could possibly get a more unlikable bunch of dimwits in the cast than they did in ‘Survivor: Nicaragua’ just a few years ago, but I'm thinking I was wrong. This current cast is, for the most part, AWFUL.” Prognosis: Troublesome if the fall season has a similar pack of dummies.

We've all experienced this, probably more so now in this age of seven thousand channels: You're at home, it's late at night, and none of your usual TV shows interests you right now. So you think, "Ahh, I'll just flip through a few channels before going to bed." And then... YOU SEE IT. The movie that exerts a mesmeric control over you. Oh yes, you know it's not a classic film -- it might not even be a GOOD film. Yet when this film appears, either in a split-second glimpse as you channel-surf or in the multicolored Guide of the Damned, you must watch it.

Oh sure, maybe you have to get up for work the next day and certainly you could easily press the DVR button and record it for watching tomorrow, but none of that matters. It's here. Now. And It Must Be Watched.

For me, it's 1968's Where Eagles Dare, an action-packed, twisting, highly improbable, and HUGELY entertaining Alistair MacLean WWII spy caper starring Richard Burton and a very young Clint Eastwood. Unlike many films based on MacLean's novels, Where Eagles Dare is unique in that MacLean wrote the novel and the screenplay at the same time! Burton plays Major John Smith, a top British spy ordered to lead a team into the mountains of Bavaria to rescue another spy from the clutches of the German SS before he spills super-secret plans. The sole non-British member of Smith’s team is U.S. Ranger Morris Schaffer (yes, Clint Eastwood once played a guy named Morris). But why has Schaffer been assigned? What does the captured spy REALLY know? And why do members of Smith’s team start dying as soon as drop into Bavaria?

I won’t say more about the plot, and I suggest you avoid reading the easily available plot summaries online. I will say that the numerous twists often leave me shaking my head in disbelief while smiling with absolute glee. Burton is terrific, and Eastwood is, well, Clint! He must kill about a third of the German army in this movie. The action is great. Besides the gun battles, there’s a fight onboard a mountain cable car that’s a must-see, even with the obvious green-screen effects. And Where Eagles Dare stays true to form by ending with ... one more twist!

There are a bunch of great ‘60s character actors in here, too, including Anton Diffring. Yet I first watched this movie in my teens because the buxom Ingrid Pitt (of Hammer’s The Vampire Lovers) has a supporting part, and I needed to see her. (Huzzah!) So thank you, Ms. Pitt and my teen hormones, for introducing me to this epic.

What about you? What movie never fails to pull you in, no matter how many times you’ve seen it before?

An important reminder about your mind: It'll be healthier after it inputs Foreshadows: The Ghosts of Zero! Get your pristine, gorgeous copy of the speculative fiction anthology/CD today. Order it at Foreshadows.net or download a copy to your iPad/Kindle/laptop right now via Baen Ebooks. Yep, it's also available in e-reader format, with all the music and illustrations intact!

Cool. Don't we love technology? If you read Foreshadows, you'll find out whether that love is a two-way street.

Contest winner: My thanks to everyone who participated in the Twitter/Facebook contest! Last week, my talented assistant helped me select the winner. Witness the low-tech selection and the hi-tech cuteness. My congratulations to the lucky person, who will soon receive her own free copy of Foreshadows.

Since I began plotting “Crossed Swords” – my contribution to Foreshadows: The Ghosts of Zero – the first iPad went on sale, Christine O’Donnell said she was not a witch, and Charlie Sheen said he WAS a warlock. Anyway, the wait is over! In just five days – February 21 – the disturbing, entrancing future of Foreshadows will be available to everyone.

If you’re one of the wonderful people who already ordered this anthology/CD, that means you’ll soon dive into original fiction from Ed Greenwood, Ari Marmell, Don Bassingthwaite, Jaleigh Johnson, me (!), and many others, accompanied by a soundtrack from Ali Kilpatrick, Dylan Leeds, Joshua Wentz, and a host of excellent musicians. For more info, simply visit foreshadows.net or click the awesome Michael Komarck cover.

What? You haven’t ordered Foreshadows yet?! Don’t be caught off-guard by the B-One Corporation’s machinations: Enter the contest! Just one click on this Facebook poll will automatically put you in the running to win a free copy of the book and CD. I’ll randomly choose one winner on the big day of Foreshadows’ release: 02/21/12.

Working on “Crossed Swords” has inspired me to keep writing, and I’m psyched that this project is finally at the finish line. Once again, to all those who contributed financially or emotionally to the creation of Foreshadows, thanks. Dystopia wouldn’t have been this much fun without you!

Ten days ago, mainstream media broke the surprising news that Wizards of the Coast was planning a new edition of Dungeons & Dragons. What was surprising was not Mike Mearls’ announcement itself. In truth, ever since mega-game designer Monte Cook (a key architect of D&D’s 3rd edition) rejoined WotC a few months ago, rumors about a “D&D 5E” had been thicker than a black pudding. The surprise was in the timing; D&D’s 4th edition debuted in 2008, and the first attempt at tweaking those rules – D&D Essentials – popped up in the second half of 2010. So why announce a new edition now? The answer is the Great Gaming Syzygy.

Explanation later. First, background: Whether you like D&D 4E or not (I do), its launch undeniably opened a big rift in the gaming community. Unlike the release of 3rd edition, which came with a conversion guide, constantly referred to D&D’s history, kept the core classes and races relatively the same, and came with an Open Game License (OGL) that allowed third-party publishers to create “official” D&D adventures and sourcebooks, the arrival of 4E did … well, essentially none of that. For presumably sound business reasons, WotC used 4E’s launch to shut the door on past editions, on the setting’s history, and – for the most part – on third-party publishers.

Whatever the reason for the decision, WotC’s actions struck many gamers as arrogant. But if you’re WotC, you now had a monopoly as the only D&D game in town. Sweet, right? Not quite. Paizo, which had been the biggest of the third-party publishers under D&D v3.0 and v3.5, continued making D&D adventures by using the still-functioning OGL to modify the v3.5 rules and create the Pathfinder system. Also, whereas D&D 4E was created within the walls of WotC HQ, Paizo conducted open playtests of its game system – a brilliant marketing move that helped foster a sense of community among players who felt abandoned by WotC. With a solid audience and gorgeous production values, Paizo’s Pathfinder cut deeply into D&D’s chunk of the RPG industry. On top of that, old-school D&D grognards used the opportunity to go even further back into D&D history, finding new, variant versions of 1st and 2nd editions from other third-party publishers (e.g., Labyrinth Lord, OSRIC, and Castles & Crusades).

And unfortunately the differences between the various versions were polarizing, with “Edition Wars” sparking Internet outrage and verbal cruelty that was as depressing and nasty as any political argument about abortion or torture. For a vocal population of gamers, it wasn’t enough to love “your” version of the game; all other versions had to be denigrated at every opportunity. (The Dungeon Bastard summed up the Edition Wars perfectly.)

Thus, the problem: a fractured consumer base and probably diminished profits for WotC. (I say “probably” because while I don’t have sales statistics to compare, it’s a reasonable assumption based on the sooner-than-expected announcement of the new edition.) The solution represents one of those rare occasions where business goals and audience desires actually sync up! “D&D Next” promises new products (boosting business) aimed at new, current, and former D&D players (uniting the audience), and – taking a page from Paizo’s playbook – it’ll reflect the input of gamers worldwide through open playtesting. And so the announcement of D&D Next represents the Great Gaming Syzygy: the confluence of business goals, audience desires, and creative input.

Hey, that sounds cool! Now riddle me this, Batman: Will it work?

Ah. Tricky. Well, so far, everything that I’ve read (here, here, here, and here, for instance) has me damn excited. Last week, WotC said the goal was to “create a rule set that enables players of all types and styles to play a D&D game together by taking the best of each edition and getting at the soul of what D&D is." Those lucky reporters who got a sneak peek said that features of early editions were back in the mix and that gameplay was smooth and fun. The solicitation of input is already underway, with blog posts from developers on the Wizards Community forum. In the meantime, support of 4E is still going strong, and will reportedly continue even after D&D Next comes out (presumably Gen Con 2013 or later). Ultimately, while a 1st edition character won’t be able to adventure alongside a 4th edition one, the concepts of those heroes and what makes them cool and fun to play will be easily translatable to D&D Next so that they can join swords (or wands) in battle. At least that’s the plan.

The modular approach – where players can choose particular sets of rules for their D&D game – sounds like the right way to go. In fact, 4E had already started down this path with backgrounds and themes. (Don’t like them? Don’t use them. Simple.) But certain aspects would seem to defy easy, modular solutions. Also, if you’re asking thousands of people for input, you’re going to get thousands of opinions. A suggestion that’s ambrosia to one group may be battery acid to another. Here’s what I would like to see. (Your mileage will certainly vary.)

• As stated on Twitter last week, I would love to see “say, combat speed of 2E, non-combat interaction of 3E, & attack flavor/flair of 4E.” Specifically…
  
• I dig the powers in 4E. They allow everybody to contribute something significant in every round of combat. So yes, I’d prefer that over a return to the Vancian system of spellcasting (“memorize – cast – gone”). Also, I’ve probably lost a cumulative year’s worth of time waiting for the party’s high-level caster to select his spells for the day.
  
• That said, I’m not opposed to Vancian casting if there’s a way to keep low-level casters useful in a fight. Something like the Reserve feats in v3.5’s Complete Mage, perhaps, just stronger?
  
• Ultimately, though, everyone participates. I’m not wedded to 4E’s roles for character classes, yet having, say, characters other than the cleric who can provide healing would be nice.
  
• The tactical aspect of 4E is a blast and allows for great brainstorming on party synergies. However, yeah, 4E combat is too slow. Ideally, the new rules should have a way to easily remove grids and minis from the combat equation when not conducive to fast play.
  
• Place a greater emphasis on roleplaying (and this goal has already been highlighted in WotC’s messages). I’ve never understood the complaint by some that 4E discourages roleplaying. Good roleplayers don’t need a game system to tell them what to do. Yet I agree that when it comes to suggesting ways to handle non-combat situations, the absence of v3.5’s excellent examples was noticeable.
  
• On a related note, keep the coolness and complexity of 4E’s skill challenges. Just don’t call them “skill challenges.”
  
• Retain the ease of encounter creation in 4E. Multiply this number by this number = BAM, encounter target threshold. Likewise, the monster stat blocks in 4E are terrific.
  
• Provide campaign worlds, or at least tools for DMs to create their own. To be honest, this is already being addressed to a degree. Although 4E began with a “world-neutral” approach, that has changed. Over the past year, the worlds of Greyhawk, al-Qadim, and Ravenloft have been slowly returning to the pages of Dungeon and Dragon (see my History Check article on Kas and Vecna, for instance), and that trend will continue throughout this year.

Creating a system that will please both 4E fans and prodigal players will be the big task of the D&D developers over the next year, and I wish them luck.

If you’re interested in the future of D&D, please join the special D&D Next group on the Wizards Community. And contribute your thoughts! The Great Gaming Syzygy is a once-in-a-lifetime cosmic event!

Until now, I've mentioned this in every place except my blog: My first official D&D adventure, "A Knight in Shadowghast Manor," was published in Dungeon last month. Huzzah! Very cool. Shaping the Shadowghast family's dark history was a treat, as was creating the tale's Big Bad, Arturas Shadowghast, and his succubus concubine. (Hey, if you're going to be a corrupt anti-paladin, no ordinary concubine will do. Team Succubus all the way!)

Bonus: It's a free download. That means you don't need to have a DDI subscription to view it.

I've posted more about the adventure on my Wizards Community blog, so grab the download and check out the blog post.