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You know who would really suck to go with to Walt Disney World? Jack Bauer. Picture this... Little Girl: “Daddy, I want to go see Elsa and Anna, but the line is sooOOOooo long.” Dad: “Well, honey, I’m sorry, but...” Jack: “You want to get in, sweetheart? Don’t worry, Uncle Jack has a pass to get us through the line.” BLAM! BLAM! “They’re shooting people!!! RUN!!! ... okay, sweetie, there you go.”

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:
 
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  • Jack runs with the crowd into the U.S. Embassy and takes out a guard to get his swipe card. Wow, Jack’s back on American soil for 10 seconds and already he’s got someone in a sleeper hold. He’s home!

  • Back at Den o’ Hackers... hey, it’s Convenient Serbian Dude! Where you been? He scowls at Adrian Cross and sinks back into the scenery. Wait, this actor got paid for that?

  • Jack easily makes his way to where Lt. Tanner is being held. Jack tries to bluff his way through: “I’m with the Continuity Department. A lot of stuff is about to happen that’ll make no sense whatsoever. I need you to leave!” That doesn’t work, so he gun-butts the guard. “You want your name cleared?” he tells Tanner. “I’m your only shot.” Or Tanner could just wait another hour until the drone scheme is out in the open, and then he’ll be set free. Hang loose, buddy!

  • Jack, now in possession of the flight key, is cornered in the basement! He contacts Siouxsie Chloe, Dark Mistress of the Hack. “Chloe! Every embassy has a secure and completely unguarded communications room! Find it!”

  • Let’s go visit the Murder Family. Navid tells Simone that he’s got a foolproof plan to escape from Mummy and her Super-Creepy SexyTime SpyCam. Oh, he’s dead. Simone then tells Mummy the truth – “but I looooove him!” These scenes really do need a laugh track. I’m serious.

  • Mummy then confronts Navid, who refuses to pilot the drones “...unless you’re making Amazon deliveries. I can talk to Jeff Bezos and get us all Amazon Prime!” By the way, Amazon Prime sounds like the sexiest Transformer ever.

  • So what does Mummy do to convince Navid? Have her goon hammer-and-chisel-off one of her daughter’s fingers! That’s HARSH!

  • I think that’s the end of the SexyTime SpyCam for a while.

  • Over to President Heller, who is ... wrapping up his speech to a now-calm Parliament? What the hell?! We left off with this guy being two seconds away from a full-fledged “Tell me about the rabbits, George” meltdown to having somehow gotten the angry Brits to mellow out and... oh wait, they’re British, they mellow out for anything. Heller probably said, “Let’s have a cuppa, dears.”

  • Jack seals himself into the comms room while he tries to decrypt the flight key. He says he’ll kill his three hostages inside if anyone barges in. Then he tells the three hostages, “Just joking! I’m not gonna kill you. You might still die from explosions or ricochets because you’re right next to me, but I won’t kill you. Did any of you watch ‘Touch’?”

  • Faced with this bad news, Chief of Staff Angryglare tells the Prez and Audrey, “That speech we didn’t see went great, Mr. President! I don’t know what you said that could’ve pulled that off. No, really, I don’t know what you possibly could have said. Oh, yeah, that reminds me... Jack Bauer is in the U.S. Embassy holding hostages. Audrey, wanna grab lunch, sweetums?”

  • Heller gets on the phone with Jack, who tells him about the drone hijacking and everything he knows about Mummy. Heller says, “Why didn’t you come to me first, Jack?” Jack snorts, “Because it was YOUR State Department that branded me a terrorist, and YOUR network that took my other show off the air!” Heller: “What other show?” Jack: “Did nobody watch that thing? DAMMIT!” </li>
  • Although the Prez seems willing to give Jack the benefit of the doubt, Angryglare convinces him to send in the Marines. “Mr. President, we don’t negotiate with terrorists. Also, once Audrey gets a good look at Jack’s abs, I’m doomed.”

  • Kate She-Jack, who had tracked Jack all the way here, believes his story. Must be damage from the head butt. So, when she hears that the Marines are going to burst in and kill Jack, she thinks WWJD – What Would Jack Do? Oh, go through the air vents! Of course! She drops in on Jack, “Come with me if you want to live! OK, don’t come with me, just lie down so that I can kneel suggestively on top on you!” Over the earjack, Chloe yells, “Who is this bimbo kneeling on top of my Jackipoo?!?”

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