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Wow, I turn on "24" a minute early and right away I see Jack yelling and shouting at... oh wait, that's not Jack, it's Gordon Ramsay frothing at the mouth on "MasterChef." Huh, when the veins on their foreheads pop out and the spittle flies, he and Kiefer look amazingly alike. And why isn't "MasterChef" two words? Is it sponsored by MasterCard? But I digress.

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • When it looks like Marine Bully about to search Kate for the flight key, Jack distracts him by yelling at another Marine who complained about the "one season" of "Touch": "IT RAN FOR TWO SEASONS! TWO!! Why doesn't anyone know that?!"

  • Kate puts on Jack's Bluetooth to talk to Chloe. The She-Jackification continues! All that's left for her to do is nipple-shock someone and yell, "THERE'S NO TIME!"

  • Over at the Murder Family, Mummy Dearest tells Nine Fingers Simone the Most Awesome Thing: "The one thing I don't want you to do is blame yourself"î Oh, "24" maniacs, never change.

  • Chief of Staff Angryglare at least is honest enough to look chagrined once he realizes that Jack is always right. Except when it comes to choosing girlfriends. Then all bets are off.

  • Weasel Boy Navarro brings up Kate's traitorous ex-husband yet again. According to the By-Laws of 24, after his ninth mention, the character magically appears. It's like Candyman.

  • Mummy goes on Terrorist YouTube! "Unlike my enemies, I care about the lives of innocents... which is why I'm threatening to blow up thousands of innocents in London!" Mummy needs to work on her Marketing skills.

  • Convenient Serbian Dude, updated tally: 2 vacant stares, 1 head nod, 3 cases of speaking like the Frankenstein Monster: "You go. She stay." Got it.

  • Prez Heller says to Jack incredulously, "You want me to put you back in the field?" "Mr. President, I've been sitting in this chair for nearly an hour. Do you know what that's doing to our ratings? We'll do this MY way."

  • Navarro announces he's leading the strike team. Erik says, "You?!" Navarro: "Yeah, that's right! I'm going to do it and be killed so that Kate can take charge of the operation. That's what I do!"

  • Jack and Audrey reunite! After a few awkward seconds and some Furious Blinking, they come together for a blubbering, forehead-merging mess! The next 10 seconds sounded like this: "Ima blubba faaahJackwaahbble!" "Nooo, mee blubba laaahsubble!" "OHHHH, BLUBBLE WUBBLE." "Schmoopawubble." "Audrey blubble go! Go nowblubble!" "Uh hubble waaaah...!"

  • Kiefer Sutherland's Emmy clip, right there.

  • The Prez invites the British PM to watch a live feed of Strike Team Redshirt's assault. Uh oh. Live feeds on "24" NEVER go well. It's like being the Way-Too-Religious Guy in a horror movie. Doomed.

  • Hey, whaddaya know?

  • Mummy gives Navid the bad news that his deception failed: "Ian has proved himself. You're no longer needed. Now I shall kill you as Simone watches with the blank stare of Lindsay Lohan at a Stop & Shop."

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