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Here we are: the penultimate hour of Day 9! Set in Britain, it has everything: Americans, Russians, Chinese, everybody... except British people! Seriously, where were they? You've got firefights in the streets for minutes and ... what? No British SAS? Police? Sherlock? Dangermouse? Zilch.

As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:

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  • In the Bizarre Baker’s Dozen of Military Advisors Who Inexplicably Came to London with the President, everyone puts on their grimmest face as Admiral Toupee delivers the bad news.

  • In my house, Judy says, “Why is Audrey always in these meetings? Is she in a Cabinet position? Is she military?” Ummm, nah.

  • Cheng glimpses Jack on the security camera footage and feels his throat wattle shrink. “Sweaty Strike Team, time to move out!” Oh damn, looks like he stopped Chloe from being sneaky....

  • ...Or DID he? In the 3 seconds that she held the unfamiliar cell phone, Chloe managed to blindly navigate its apps and find a Record button that she pressed without anyone knowing! Wow!

  • Soon, everyone in the cast knows that Cheng is alive – and in possession of the override gizmo. Prez Heller is incredulous at first: “That’s impossible, Jack! Cheng died off-camera three years ago!” Jack: “With all due respect, Mr. President, three years ago Shia Lebouf was an up-and-coming Hollywood star. Now look at him! Believe me, anything is possible.”

  • Wait a second – the RUSSIANS are paying Cheng?! Darn that Putin! Jack needs to Greco-Roman that guy!

  • In the car, Jack and Kate connect Mark Angryglare to the Russian hit team – which, c’mon, seemed completely unconnected to the main storyline – but then they also somehow realize that, hey, the Russians are behind the whole thing. OK, that is true, but how did Jack and Kate figure that out? It’s like turning on Fox and randomly finding talent.

  • Angryglare checks to make sure that Audrey is OK after the Cheng news. “I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right.” Mark: “I didn't ask for a Matthew McConaughey impersonation....” Audrey: “Mark! Please just let me do my job!” I’m sorry, Audrey, but that job IS...?

  • Jack calls Audrey and hints that “some bad things are going to happen. You might get put on another short-lived TV show when this is over. Maybe with Jim Belushi. I don't have a say in it. I just don't want you to hate me.” Audrey: “Jack, I could never hate you. I never have. Schmoopie.” Jack twitches. Kate thinks, “Jack is one emotionally damaged nutjob – just how I like ‘em. Ohhh yeah. Come to Mama.”

  • China’s president is understandably really mad that the U.S. has torpedoed its aircraft carrier and broken the rules of Battleship. He immediately unfriends Heller on Facebook.

  • Oh yeah, he also mobilizes a strike force that’s heading toward the U.S. base on Okinawa. Yikes. Things are getting dicey.

  • Jack forces Angryglare to confess to the Prez that he forged Heller’s signature, sent the Russians after Jack, and hijacked the Presidential iPad to download Mad Men. “I’m sorry, Mr. President, but when Don Draper told Joan that....” Heller: “’Sorry’?!?! You're working for the Russians and deleted my episodes of Game of Thrones and you say you're SORRY?!”

  • Worth it just to hear Jack say to Mark, “You idiot!”

  • In classic Jack fashion, though, Jack wants to use Mark to set up a meeting with the Russian Mustache. Uh huh. What are the odds of Mark making it through the next 90 minutes? 50 to 1?

  • Meanwhile, in the Sweaty Strike Team Mystery Machine, Chloe spots a conveniently placed metal pipe and awesomely clobbers several guys before leaping out of the van! You go, Chloe!

  • However, in the darkness, the Sweaty Strike Team can’t find the unconscious Chloe because of her all-black, Winter Soldier-style clothing. Goth fashion for the win!

  • Oops, China fired missiles and blew up two U.S. surveillance satellites. Damn, who knew this episode of “24” was a prequel to “Gravity”? Crossing fingers for a Sandra Bullock surprise appearance next week.

  • Outside the Russian Mustache’s home, Jack and Kate wait for the hapless fill-in guy to hack the security system. Inside, Angryglare plays for time by offering his secrets: “Think of the intelligence briefings I've attended. And don't forget I was Jennifer Aniston’s boyfriend once. I can tell you things -- things not even Access Hollywood knows!” “Go on....”

  • FIGHT! Mustache and Angryglare go at it! Angryglare gets a head butt, Mustaches gets a punctured jugular. Quick, let’s get a shot of the little squirting thing with the fake blood... there we go!

  • Jack tries to save Mustache’s life by ordering Kate to get a towel. Yeah, that'll work. Why don't you pull out another Band-Aid while you're at it, Jack? Mustache dies. “SUNAVABEYOTCH!”

  • Oh no, Audrey is trapped by a sniper under orders from Cheng, who should have absolutely no idea where Audrey is. OHHH, Cheng, if you were worried about Jack before.... Don't you mess with Ex-Coma Girl!

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
emeraldlich
Jul. 9th, 2014 12:19 pm (UTC)
As always, love the recaps, Ken.

Serious discussion in my house - who would win in a fight, Jack Bauer or Helena from "Orphan Black"?
ken_of_ghastria
Jul. 9th, 2014 02:18 pm (UTC)
Oh hell. Great question. I'm writing that as a new blog post tonight.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )