As always, SPOILERS ABOUND:
- Brace yourself, people – this episode gets underway with a shocking event... something you thought you’d never see in a “24” episode: Jack Bauer steps into a bathroom. OH MY GOD.
- Kate the She-Jack ignores the direct order from Navarro (this year’s resident weasel) to release Drug Dealing Guy. In fact, she clobbers Drug Dealing Guy, throws him into the back of her car, and threatens to play “I Will Always Love You” on an endless loop. She IS She-Jack!
- Jack has 4 minutes to intercept Simone, the Yates-killing gal pal, who is escaping via the London Underground. Jack drives to the next station and runs down the stairs to the platform in seconds. Wait, have any of you BEEN to an Underground station? It’s not like Manhattan. The train platforms feel like they’re 2 miles below street level. Just to get down the stairs would take 4 minutes!
- Simone dodges Jack by cutting her leg and smearing the blood on her face. Not coincidentally, Gov. Christie tried the same thing to dodge the Bridgegate scandal.
- Jack demands to know why Chloe froze up and allowed Simone to escape. Chloe says, “I saw someone who looked like Powers Boothe and I flashed back to him being Vice President Jim Jones and those terrible plot twists back in Day 6. And, oh, my husband and son were killed by a plot device that’s sure to pop up in few hours.” OH NO! Jack gets emotional (sorta) and hugs her. Chloe: “You know, I’ve dreamed of this moment, my bold grizzly.” Jack: “WHAT did you say, Chloe?” Chloe: “I said, NO, that’s not a hug! It’s the Sleeeeeper.... Hoooolld... zzzzz.....” Jack: “DAMMIT!”
- Chief of Staff Mark Angryglare gets the Rendition Order for Jack from Head Lackey, who says, “It can only be signed by the President! So don’t even think of signing it yourself after fighting with your still-hot-for-Jack wife!”
- Okay, now we meet the whole Murder Family (® my friend Evan Dorkin): mommy Margot, daughter Simone, techie brother Ian, and squishy husband Naveed. When this season is over, I want FOX to do a spinoff sitcom with this bunch. “But MUMMY, why can’t I kill the TV repairman?” “Oh you CAN, Simone darling, but not until he finishes fixing the telly. I’m missing EastEnders!” [laugh track]
- Jack, with help from Chloe and Adrian Cross’ team of hackers, is able to directly link Yates’ drone controller to the plight of Lt. Chris Tanner, the schlub who’s been arrested for the drone attack. Then Jack jumps right into Super Jack Logic Defiance Mode: “I have to give this information to President Heller directly!” Jack, you old-fashioned ninny! The half-dozen hackers behind you could probably upload that information to thousands of websites and phones within minutes! Why the need for the hand-to-hand thingie? That didn’t always work out when you tried it with President Palmer (Best Fake President EVER), and Heller doesn’t even like you!
- But NOOOOOOOO. Jack, being Jack, needs to go to Westminster on its nuttiest day of the decade, and he’ll need to get past security and a gang of protesters with super-hastily-made signs who are demanding revenge on the U.S. President whose arrival was planned less than an hour ago. But hey, let’s roll with it!
- Chloe has a fellow hacker create a fake ID for Jack so that he can get through the security check. But Adrian Cross sneakily decides to replace it with that of Madonna.
- Simone’s squishy husband, Naveed, says he thinks the idea of killing people is all kinds of icky. He’s not sure he can do it. Simone decides to use sex to convince him otherwise, because when does that NOT work? Meanwhile, Mummy Margot is watching Simone & Naveed’s SexyTime on hidden camera!! EWWWWW...!!! I mean, BWAHAHAHAHA! That’s great.
- The Prez, accompanied by Mark and Audrey and an embarrassed Stephen Fry, begins his address to Parliament in the angry House of Commons – which doesn’t look like the real House of Commons! If you’ve ever seen BBC News, then you know that the speaker is flanked by bleachers full of white-haired, crotchety folks who yell at him. The building HERE looks more like our own House of Representatives, where the speaker directly faces white-haired, crotchety folks who yell on cable TV.
- Jack gets to the security gate and shows his ID. The guards in the booth run it through. “Crimey! It’s Madonna!” “I hate her phony Brit accent!” “GET HER!”
- Jack reaches into his Classic Jack Playbook and pulls out #17: “When capture by government forces seems imminent, start shooting bystanders.” BLAM! BLAM!